A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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