I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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