I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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