yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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