I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
