rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
