I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
