I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
