I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
