Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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