I'm going to jail i love you
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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