i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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