i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
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Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
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Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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