i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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