Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
