Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
