i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
