once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
