9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
