i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
