a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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