While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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