ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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