I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
