I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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