Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
