By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
