Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
