Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
