The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
