Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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