just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
can u get pink eye on your cock?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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