he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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