my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
