You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I have aggressive nipples.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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