Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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