BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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