woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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