We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
