A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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