Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
