OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
