Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
