Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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