Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
It's just like the Real World with babies
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
