she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
