Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
