Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
