i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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