Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Randomize
