So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
What a fucking waste of an outfit
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Success! We fucked roommates!
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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