So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
