you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
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You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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