Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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