i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
