i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
