whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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