Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
