someone threw a dead crab at me
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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