Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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