thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
